The Florida House legislative aide of Rep. Dane Eagle’s (R-FL77) wrote the following statement in behalf of him on his driving under the influence of alcohol (DUI) arrest.
“I was arrested in Tallahassee and accused of driving under the influence of alcohol,” Eagle wrote. “While there are some decisions that I would have made differently, I do not believe there is a complete and accurate picture of the events. Under advice of my legal counsel, I cannot discuss all the details right now, but I look forward to publically (sic) sharing the entire story at an appropriate time. Until then, I humbly ask for everyone’s patience. I know that I am accountable for my actions, and I look forward to communicating with my constituents in the near future on this matter.”
… While he is in jail, presumably, over having had a few too many alcoholic drinks, the Florida House continues with the help of his good legislative aide.
Times tables, like second grade math, come handily during troubled times where representatives fail to perceive. “Remember the ALAMO!” The Texas battle cry had greater effect in time, in Texas’ sovereignty, and in United States’ annexation.
Perhaps, Mr. Eagle should fire the legislative aide, not without cause. Admitting accusing and arresting a man is serious. That the public takes readily well. Nevertheless, to say that making better decisions is bloody better – already – has waived the U.S. Constitution Fifth Amendment in the highest degree of self-incrimination.
Backtracking down the linear path to the beginning of Mr. Eagle’s lustrous career, the constituent goes shortly to the turn in his obscured drinking habits.
The style of the Republican man in the modern world is to chirp the good of this world for all to see that he is. Then he commits the crime. Awkwardly, the Republican moves his style to whine all the bad of this world for all to see that he is not. Times tables get worse: as it moves from one to two to three: 2 x 1 is two; then 2 x 2 is four; and, so on, the constituent keeps adding two more addends of troubles.
What would the constituent call the trouble: hypocrisy or timing tables? The constituent is not happy at all. No, hypocrisy just will not do. That is like buying an Arab government – too easy, will work, not challenging enough. Inquisitively, is the easier the staking out a defense attorney? The constituent is speaking bigotry by now.
For example, taking the Alamo, what did the conscripts do? Hardly, they bloody well fought to the last man. So shall the constituent hopes the Rep. Eagle. Rewriting the legislative aide’s disclaimer, timing tables work better.
“I was arrested in Tallahassee [yes, the capital of Florida] and accused of driving under the influence of alcohol,” Representative Eagle wrote [yes, Florida House]. “I believe I drove under the influence of alcohol. I know that I had endangered the lives of other drivers and pedestrians [yes, tell it like it is] and had risked damaging property. I intend to tell my legal counsel to bug off [yes, be courageous], and rather instruct him to look for ways to improve my behavior with the local municipality. I look forward to publicly sharing the entire story, as it develops wasting no time [yes, act like a legislator]. Until then, I humbly ask for everyone’s forgiveness, [yes, the least]. I know that I have disappointed my constituents for my actions, and I look forward to communicating with my constituents immediately [yes, remember the times tables] on this matter.”
Do not the constituents hate it when Florida House hypocrisy and times tables get between them? Rep. Eagle will not want to lose and he thinks he understands why. Eventually, though, Rep. Eagle will lose and not understand why.
Epilogue: Hire the worst legislative aide possible in the written world of excuses. He might hit the jackpot on the times tables.